When Mom and Dad say No
The Maharik, Moreinu Harav Yosef Kolon zt”l
Do parental objections to a child’s choice of marital partner carry any halakhic weight?
The Maharik
(Moreinu Harav Yosef Kolon zt”l — Italy, 1420-1480, student of the Maharil)
Relations between parent and child can become quite complicated, especially as both get older. What happens when a parent does not approve of a child’s life choices – career direction, choice of marital partner, etc.? Does “Honor your father and your mother” apply in these situations? The Maharik dealt with such a situation in 15th century Italy and his direction is quite relevant today. The following is a translation and adaptation of an excerpt of a responsum from Sheilot Uteshuvot Maharik (164:3). It is presented solely for educational purposes and not as a practical halakhic source. Especially with responsa literature, extrapolating from one case to another can result in serious halakhic mistakes.
[Rabbi Dr. Gerald Blidstein’s book, Honor Thy Father and Thy Mother was very helpful for background material.]
Question:
Do parental objections to a child’s choice of marital partner carry any halakhic weight?
Response
There are three reasons why, if the match is to an appropriate person, that the parent’s objections need not be heeded.
1. A child is not obligated to suffer the pain that not marrying someone fitting in order to honor his parents. The Gemara discusses who is responsible for footing the bill for parental honor and concludes that the son is not responsible to spend his own money. A child may feed, clothe, and care for the parent using the parent’s own money. If a child does not have to expend money, he certainly does not have to go through a painful marriage to honor his parents.
2. A parent forbidding a child to marry a desired mate is tantamount to telling him to transgress a mitzva. The Talmud says (beginning of the second chapter of Kiddushin) that a man may not betrothe a woman before seeing her, lest he not be attracted to her. This is based on, “Love your neighbor as yourself.” Other rabbinic sources also emphasize the importance of marital love. A father who forbids his son to marry the bride of his choice is in effect telling him not to observe “Love your neighbor as yourself.” The Gemara in Yevamot 5 rules that since both parent and child are obligated to honor G-d, if parental honor entails transgressing a positive or negative mitzva the child may not follow the parental command. The Rosh (Teshuvot HaRosh 15:5) applied this rule to a father interested in his son prolonging a feud. The son, who was interested in reconciliation, was told that in this instance he must ignore the parental command for it contradicts the Divine one.
3. The Torah commands honor and reverence of parents, but does not legislate parental authority. Honor and reverence are limited to acts that benefit the parent. The Gemara speaks of honor as feeding, clothing and attending to the parent’s other needs; reverence means not contradicting him, not standing in his special place, not detracting from his status. However, the mitzva is not a blanket obligation for a child to obey all of his parent’s commands. Determining whom the child marries is outside the scope of parental authority. [The Sefer Hamakneh holds that a child is obligated to fulfill any parental commands as long as they do not contradict Torah or Rabbinic ones. A number of Rishonim seem to go against this approach.]
Conclusion
The Maharik’s response has an interesting conclusion. After making a strong case for allowing a child to marry against parental wishes, he raises two very strong question marks about applying it to the particular situation presented to him. The case presented to him was quite complicated. One, the child had made an oath that he would not marry the particular woman in question (the circumstances surrounding the oath made it questionable). Second, the son had in some way been involved with the woman in question before she was divorced from her first husband, and he apparently was not above suspicion.
Note
The Maharik’s response relates to whether a child has a halakhic obligation to follow his parent’s instructions about whom to marry. It goes without saying that it is wise and prudent to listen to parental advice and wisdom, especially when the parent is transmitting the Torah’s values.
It is also obvious (but needs to be restated) that in the event that a child finds him/herself halakhically or morally unable to follow parental directives, friction between parents and children should be kept to the bare minimum.
